‘ORION: Dino Beatdown’ Review – Not So Clever Girls
In this world of strife and chaos, where petty arguments are often the cause of all mankind’s ills, there is but one constant, one undeniable fact that transcends human ignorance and unites us all as one race. That fact? Dinosaurs. Are. Really. Really. Awesome! And hey, you know what else is awesome? Futuristic space guns. Also awesome? Badass jetpacks! So with that in mind, imagine my awe when I first laid eyes on Orion: Dino Beatdown; dinosaurs, space guns and jetpacks together at last? The ultimate tag-team has arrived! Alone they are strong, but when this Holy Trinity of Cool™ is finally united under one banner, they become quite naff apparently.
Joking aside, I really can’t fault the concept of Dino Beatdown. One to five players, three huge maps, three ubiquitous classes (recon, assault, support), an HQ full of death dealing amenities to spend your hard earned credits on and, of course, wave after wave of angry dinosaur hordes hungry for some space marine chow. As with most things shooter related these days, it’s all been ‘beautifully’ rendered in Unreal Engine 3, so you know what to expect when it comes to visuals. i.e. lush environments, snazzy textures and a very liberal usage of lighting effects (I kid you not, the moon looks like a bloody supernova!). All things that can make even the lamest of video games look like a perfect replication of the most epic [non-boob related] fantasies of the average adolescent male.
But let not the above trailer stray you from the path of truth and harsh realities people! Make no mistake, this game is real bad. Mind you, I think that trailer was subtly trying to warn you about that anyway. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt in my time as a gamer, it’s that if a trailer tries to tell you how ‘dynamic’ and/or ‘advanced’ the A.I is going to be (they do both!), then you can rest assured that, in reality, dem bots gonna be writ thick. Whether it’s T-Rexs lodging themselves into walls or raptors jumping to their deaths off the side of mountains, this game leaves you with an alternative theory as to why the dinos went extinct in the first place: suicidal levels of stupidity. So, not much of a challenge right?
Not so! From the third wave or so onwards, the number of dinos you’ll be expected to deal with skyrockets into absurd values, thus ensuring your base’s energy generators and the unnecessarily far away upgrade/resupply stations they power will be functional for mere seconds at a time. Not only that, but the critters can soak up a quite frankly insane amount of bullets, laser beams, speeding jeeps or whatever else you throw at them in mad desperation. It’s pretty damn hard to even figure out if you’re doing any damage anyway, considering they don’t so much as flinch after even taking a rocket squarely to the face!
Players on the other hand aren’t so fortunate. For one thing, fate has somehow led them down a path that involved playing this god awful game, and secondly they can wave goodbye to their meager health bar should a prehistoric combatant even so much as casually glance in their general direction. Oh, and every time you respawn, you’ll lose any of the marginally useless guns you managed to purchase during the brief moments your base had power, and instead revert back to exceptionally useless pea shooters that might as well shoot tickles.
However, many of Orion: Dino Beatdown’s issues run a lot deeper than any of the things I just mentioned. For once this isn’t me just being a nitpicky critic/armchair game designer; some things in this title are just flat out wrong. Take for instance, the simple process of buying a gun from one of the game’s upgrade stations. Think about what sort of things you would expect know before partaking in such a transaction. How much money you have available to spend perhaps? Nah bro, you’re only allowed to know that when you’re anywhere but the shop screen!
Hmmmm, what about being able to see some kind of stats or information about the weapon beyond it’s silly military designation? Pfffft hardly! Any ‘real’ gamer would instantly know that the C-43U THINGY is an assault rifle with a far superior recoil to the U5B WHATSIT but with a sacrifice to clip size, it’s just so obvious! Well, at least when you click the “buy” button something happens right? Nope, wrong again! Every button press in this game is a total crapshoot, and the odds are most definitely not in your favour. Seriously, if I had all the time in the world I’d give you a full list of all the glitches, oversights and other such unadulterated jank this game has to offer, but I think you get the idea already.
As you can probably guess, ‘disappointed’ doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel right now. I mean, come on guys! Dinosaurs, jetpacks and frickin’ space guns! This thing should’ve been amazing! But hey, it’s not. It’s broken, it’s flawed, it’s laughable and quite frankly I’m beyond astounded that the developers thought, for even a fraction of a second, that Orion: Dino Beatdown was ready to hit retail.
Okay so, normally this is the part of the review where I say something along the lines of “well this game mostly sucks, but there’s still a few enjoyable bits here and there!” and that’s totally applicable here too! Indeed, my teammates and I had a wonderful time laughing our asses off every time we discovered a new and innovative way this game managed to fail on even the most basic level. Also, rapidly mashing the the button that plays various audio clips of the phrase “I’ve spotted a dinosaur!” at my teammates in an amusing accent? At no point did that ever stop being hilarious! Well, at least I thought so anyway…
Orion: Dino Beatdown is currently available for the PC at the price of £6.99 via Steam, however there are far more efficient ways to waste your money.
Review summary Pros:
Dinosaurs! The graphics could be worse, cool concept, …dinosaurs?
Cons:
Half baked gameplay, numerous glitches and oversights, lacks even basic functionality.
Rating: 30%
